Identity

I love the Gratitude Challenge, BUT,
There are other things I need to write. Things that whirl round and round in my mind, struggling to find a voice, an outlet, a written record. This is one of those posts. This may not make any sense to anyone, but, it's in my head and needs a place to come out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a time when I had no clue who I was at any given moment. I mean this in a very literal way. Hell, most of the time I couldn't recall what minute it was. All I knew is it was frantic, scary, unmanageable, and undefinable.

I still struggle today to find the right words to describe what living life as a we feels/felt like. I think I will always be a we, but now it is a very different we. I know this is really hard to understand or even follow. I'm sorry.

It has taken years.. miles upon miles of hard road to be able to decipher the story of we/me. I learned about the good, the very bad and the ugly.

Sometimes I was amazed at what I had learned. I stood in awe of the strength that must be inside of me. The courage I must have to endure the most brutal, and yet come out on the other side.

Other times I was ashamed, shocked, angry and sad at what I learned I had done. Even though I was forced, drugged, beaten or tortured until I complied, it made it no easier to accept what had been done. Survivors guilt just about killed me.

There are no more secrets, or controlling my actions, ways, and deeds with the fear that resided within me. As an individual we, usually one "person" dealt with different types of situations, memories and emotions. Now, all emotions, thoughts, and memories sift through me and are mine too. It is overwhelming at times.

Each individual "we" had a job, a specific roll and purpose. I still know them, feel them, and hear them. Only now, they are more of a quiet, informative, support staff, leaving the ultimate decision in my hands.

I know it is a miracle that I am where I am today. I'm thankful for the time, effort, and even the process of getting to today.

but
but
but

What now? Who exactly is the me I am today? I feel passionate about a number of things. I feel obligated to "be" some things. I feel pushed from within to do other things.

It leaves me spinning in circles, not really knowing which way to go.