So Close And Yet So Far

I am a vastly different person than I was 10 years ago. Although, certain things throw me right back into the old way of thinking.

Hubby and I have had a couple rough days. We both like a drama free, low stress life. His job is stressful, and I try and make home, his refuge, his soft place to land. We do disagree about things, but rarely argue.

Hubs speaks before he thinks, and even when wrong, rarely apologizes. He tends to apologize in other ways. I'll get roses sent to me with an "I love you", he'll call home and say "don't cook, I'm picking up dinner", and those kinds of thing serve as his apologies. It doesn't make him an asshole (most of the time), it's just who he is, and I've learned to be ok with it.

I tend to "not want to rock the boat". Of course, that is something I learned early in life, as most abused children do. So instead of talking about the things that bother or have upset me, I just usually think to myself, fuck it, it just isn't worth arguing about. I swallow it down and carry on. However, I think there is more to it than that.

Yesterday was not a great day. Hubby and I had a big blow up. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it is big. When it happens, my mind starts to race.

I immediately wonder what I could have done differently.
I wonder why I'm not good enough, why what I'm doing is not good enough.
I wonder what I can do to fix it, or make it better.
I wonder why he doesn't love me enough to accept me as I am.
I wonder why he doesn't see all of the good things I've done.
It must be me, must be my fault.
I must be wrong.
I must be unworthy of an opinion, and most certainly I must be too dumb to have a valid opinion.
I must unlovable.
I'm a failure.
It doesn't matter what I do or want to do, I'm wrong and bound to be a failure.
See what I mean about old thinking?

This same way of thinking stops me from following my dreams. Hell, sometimes it even stops me from going shopping with my girlfriends, from joining a class, or a softball team....it keeps me from leading a truly free life.

To a person who has never suffered traumatic abuse, that way of thinking seems ridiculous. Even presumptuous, selfish, and self centered, thinking everything revolves around me.

To an abuse survivor, it isn't selfish, it is a learned behavior. I learned early on that it must be something I said, did, didn't do, wore, looked, breathed, etc... to have brought on the incident.

That way of thinking has no business in an adult mind, life or relationship.
The problem is, I'm not sure how to think differently. I can logically work on it, and I do. But then something happens, like a big blow up with Hubby, and the split second, automatic reaction, is to start trying to figure out what I did wrong.

It's like being a boxer all your life, and one day, someone teaches you how to use a sword. The next time someone punches you, although the shiny new sword holstered at your side could take care of the problem in a smooth second, you instinctively use your left hook.

How do I love myself when I've hate me for so long, and how do I learn to think differently and "use my sword"?