Observations From the G.ym

Well, the first week of my new workout-personal trainer from hell-gym- rat routine has come to a close. In this first week, I have noticed some things, and would like to address them now.

First up, who the hell invented the elliptical machine? I swear it is of the devil.

Please, NO Cell Phones! Let's just say that when your ringtone is this.. "INCOMING....POPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOP....
INCOMING...POWPOWPOWPOWPOWPOW...
INCOMING (insert sound of missle being dropped)"
the newbie at the gym may poke an eye out on the elliptical machine while diving for cover. If you can't go without your cell phone for an hour, maybe you need a twelve step program.

And listen here sister, while you are chatting it up just standing on the treadmill, I'm stuck over here on the evil killing machine. I don't care if you need to talk with Ginny, Barbie, and Lissa about the next "girls gone wild sorority night". I will not lose an eye for that, beeyotch! Run, walk, or get off the fucking treadmill.

Street Clothes in the gym are a no no. I know, you are thinking obviously, right? Well, not so much.

Hey! Sunglasses Guy? I know the fluorescent lights are bright in here sport, but we're all managing just fine. It's distracting when they fall off your goddamn face 1078 times. Like I said, I need to focus so I don't lose an eye to the killing machine of Satan.

Full make-up? Oh honey, no no no. You're no Britney and there are no paparazzi here waiting to take your picture. That sliding, melting face, with eye liner dripping down your to your chin is just fucking scary at 8am. ...Now that I think of it, maybe sunglasses guy has a point.

That brings me to the twig wearing Uggs. PSSST...You are on a stair climber, not climbing Mt. Everest. Lose the damn boots.

To the women that come into the gym looking great and leave the same way with nary a sweat stain or a hair out of place? How the fuck do you do it?

When I walk out after the same hour and a half workout, I am drenched in sweat, hair falling out of my lopsided ponytail and a face so red people ask if I need a paramedic. So please, just STOP IT! You're making me look like a pig.

Lastly, um...Mr. Grunt Guy? I get it. You are lifting a lot of weight, so it must be really tough, and yes, I AM impressed with your prowess. However, you're not in labor and even Guns n Roses playing full blast on my ipod won't drown out your ridiculous groans. Could you keep the volume to a minimum? Mkay? Thanks.

Preview of week two post? Injuries, dumbbells and WTF is THAT?!!!

Stay tuned kids.